And I don’t know how to deal

because I’ve internalised you so profoundly
I’ve internalised this hatred of what I am and what I could be

and I need to write this I need to get this out
compulsively
because I know how the mind works and
if I don’t
I feel like something bad is gonna happen

I don’t remember the reasoning but
I’m staring at a photograph of a wrecked car that I took
and i’m thinking about Francis Bacon’s premonitory distortions
and wondering whether they were really premonitions or
the result of his creations

and I can’t help tracing patterns

One of my father’s best friends was tetraplegic
He broke his neck while drunk at a party
after diving head first into a shallow pool
Growing up, we used to see him in Madrid
during summers when we would visit
He was always my father’s
“poor tetraplegic friend who’d ruined his life because he’d been reckless at a party."

Once I leaned on his wheelchair thinking it was a piece of furniture
in the living room of his opulent apartment
thank God his family has money and he can be well taken care of
my mother would take pleasure in saying
I recoiled in shock and drew my lazy left side
away from the comfort of his padded handles

I could relate to R.
when he said that
He never would have gotten married had he not gone blind
He said he was too self-sufficient
That becoming blind
made him remember why we’re here
What was important
That we need each other

And I remember the story of the car accident my parents got into before they got married
Driving from the South to the North
from Malaga to Madrid
It was raining and the car flipped
everyone was ok
apart from my dad
My dad who I’d like to start calling by his name
whose neck broke, and was in a metal brace for 6 months

And I think of all the layers of things that were under the surface then
And now don’t know where I’m going
or where the nail head is
cause i’m groping around for it in the dark
With a hammer in one hand
and a left thumb that I’d like to keep intact

What is the part of myself that I fear?
What is the thing that my father never allowed himself to do?
What role does my mother play in holding me back?
Because my father doesn’t know the M/other
so he found her down south
And my mother had a child for a mother
so she became the mother to herself and
the mother to the motherless child

And he hates her for holding her
he hates her for holding her back
but he also wants her and needs her because
he never had her to begin with

I give my power away,
I enrage,
I am thrown off centre.
I have fantasies of driving my car into a brick wall
A fucking car wreck

And I’m taking those feelings and pushing them out
and asking my shadow right now
Why are you enraged, what are you so angry at me for?
And I’m giving her a face
and they’re saying back to me
I’m angry because you’re not listening
and sometimes I need to cause accidents to get you to pay attention
because it’s the sun aspects of you
the shining star that decimates and cause drought
and you think that’s the only way
and you forget your negative capabilities
and you forget your vulnerabilities are your strength
and you forget
you forget me
and if you don’t listen to me I will try to destroy you
but i’d rather not
I’d rather you learn not to hate me
I’d rather we learn to work together
because instead we’re always sort of half there,
cancelling each other out

Because I feel like if I go too far,
If I really go for it I will fall and break my neck..
Herby tells me all the time, you’re always sort of on the back foot
He’s like be more forward, if you’re there you’re there
Don’t hold back
If you throw a punch you throw to hit

I’ve been throwing punches for show
I’ve been throwing punches for the sake of throwing em
I’ve been throwing punches to expend excess energy

How do I get to that place?
Of knowing that when it’s right
It’s fucking all in
How do I learn how to conserve myself in the most generous, positive productive way?
Like I think Floyd Mayweather is the most nurturing
He built a career off the No

Why am I not there with my whole being
Fear of?
, but success needs to take my shadow into account
Yesterday when I was skipping and wanting to do cross-overs with the rope, it’s like I was trying to do it just with my arms
Like I didn’t allow the full rhythm and movement of my body to engage in it

And when I did
it felt so present and powerful
and vulnerable

I don’t know where that fear comes from
because I want to be respectful of power
and I want to learn to work with it
knowing precaution and courage in adequate measure

And my neck is still stiff from my boxing injury
On my right side
my masculine side

When I began boxing, it began with a regimen
It began with the No
I said no to the sustenance he offered
I said no to food
I said no to engaging

and became weak
he became weak
because the more I danced with my shadow
The more I allowed her to surface

The less he knew what to do

And so on that trip

He injured himself
He fucked up his knee

The stronger/weaker I became
Through a process of negation
The more fearful, the more disoriented he was

We walked side by side
I held him elderly
by the elbow

We flew home, him in a wheelchair

The other day I went to the forest with my brother and father
They were using a chainsaw to chop wood
Big bertha was her name
the big momma chainsaw
I waved her around recklessly
CUIDADO CUIDADO CUIDADO
my father’s favourite refrain

And I thought instead of CUIDADO
why not “take care”
why not “be mindful”
or “pay attention”
because we mustn’t fear her power
but we absolutely must respect it
work safely and take precaution

Pfff my brother said..
yeah not what you were doing
using her like that without even knowing how…
I said precisely…

Because there is a fear
the fear that the fall might be unrecoverable
But if I hate my shade, if I leave her behind we’ll be playing the blame game
If we work together at least the leap will be ours to make